by: Christina Estrada
CAFFEINE OVERLOAD!! Can’t Stop Shaking. Heart is POUNDING. Barely feeling like you’re able to breathe or speak. I wish what I’d felt was a caffeine overload. That is the best way I can explain to someone what an anxiety attack feels like, although the symptoms get worse. Trying to get up, but the feeling of almost passing out would overcome my body. The worst thoughts in my head would take over my brain, and I couldn’t help it. So many times I found myself lying on the floor at work feeling anxious and depressed not wanting to get up because I wanted this feeling to end. Lying there, I would call help lines because I literally wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. Or, at clinics asking people for help, but they did not want to take me in because I was not exactly “suicidal”… yet. This was not the Christina you would know, nor the person I knew. Sometimes life strikes you in ways you don’t expect, during an unforeseen time, for the good or the bad, but I truly believe people are placed in our life to help us through it all.
It’s tough being a female at times. We are slammed with our flows, baking a bun in our oven for 9 months, infections that make dough rise, and annual checkups for cancer in our coochie coo. Let’s not forget about “trich,” BV, HPV and well I’m sure there is one, two or three you may know of that I don’t know, but that’s okay! I was blessed with two of these very common issues that made my brain go KABOOM! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!
GOOGLE, GOOGLE, GOOGLE.: Cancer. GOOGLE, GOOGLE, GOOGLE.: Aids. GOOGLE, GOOGLE, GOOGLE.: Death. GOOGLE, GOOGLE, GOOGLE.: You should be dead by now. Is it me, or does anyone else find Google to be a scary place?
I became a hypochondriac and Google searching did not help my OCD. Let me tell you it’s not fun. I literally believed I had every disease in the book. I would visit the different doctors about twice a week because I would find something potentially wrong with me. Each visit, test, and bill would add up. I decided to go on Lexapro to help me through this journey because I felt I was giving myself my own penance for every little mistake I’ve ever made. As my anxiety rose, the relationship with those around me would deteriorate, especially the one with myself. When it started to rain, it poured. For about two months events in life escalated and once again I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up.
“Nobody cares about your problems” and being looked at like a nut job was probably one of the worst things I could hear during this time as an outcome for admitting I needed professional help. Nobody did care about my problems, but the love I found with the people around me is bigger than anything I was facing because they cared for my well being. We ALL have problems and need to keep pushing.
After my psychologist appointment I had a photo shoot with Keren for Los Angeles Ladies Arm Wrestling. It was my fourth time participating in this charity event and I was SUPER STOKED I had my personal photo shoot as “Dirt Diggler.” I remember being in the bathroom in her studio and I saw so many positive signs. “Life Happens: Choose to be Positive.” I must’ve been here for a reason and I was. After my amazing photo shoot I spoke to Keren about the way I was feeling. She shared some stories with me but most importantly told me if I ever needed someone to talk to I could call her anytime. And I did by blasting her phone with thousands of desperate calls. She told me, “although it does not seem like it right now, things do get better.” She was right! Every month has been better then the last. People care about you, and although I may not know you, I care about you. THERE IS HOPE.
I am an artist, an actor, a competitor, a designer and a human being. Just because some parts of my body decided to become their own artist, I am and will be okay. It’s hard to be positive when everything feels so dark, but life happens, and I chose to be positive. This world is so colorful, and although the words of my life story are illegible, the colors make it work! Who doesn’t like a pot of gold at the end of their rainbow? To all my loved ones who have been helping me through this journey, thank you for being my golden nuggets.
How to Change your Mind and your Life by using Affirmations is an article on Tiny Buddha that was really useful to help change the thought process.
Life happens – choose 2BePositive™
xo – kl